I have had a few moments of “WHAT THE HELL!??!” as a mama. It started when I was a preggo and its continued now that I have proof I was carrying a child all those months. Sometimes I feel like I could write a book on the crazy things that people say to me… you know, one of those books that your mom puts in the guest room bathroom. So I decided to share a few that came to mind. On my honor, all of these things happened. I’m really glad they did because I’m half way done with my bathroom book.

1. I was talking to the pediatrician at Bud’s 4 month check up and asked her a reasonable medical question and she pulled out her trendy iPhone with an even trendier cover and replied, “Hold on, let me Google it.”
WHHAAA??!?!!?! Are you serious lady doc? First off, if you don’t know the answer, I’d rather you leave the room to search Google and then come back and falsely convince me that you are confidently diagnosing my child. I know doctors are not fortune tellers and are just human but humans can pretend to know everything and I like those humans.  And secondly, Web MD already told me Bud had herpes and dysentery so…

2. I was trying to figure out if I could wash Bud’s bottles in the dishwasher so I googled it (don’t hate the player, hate the game) and I found a forum and the number 1 was response was, “YES! I have seen my cousin do it all the time.”
WHHHAAA?!?!?! Really? Couldn’t find a better answer Yahoo Answers? Is your cousin also a mom on Toddlers and Tiaras? Or perhaps one of those moms who thinks its ok to leave their child in a hot Toyota? Or one of those moms that thinks switching to “solids” means shoving Funions in your baby’s mouth? If so, please give me your cousin’s number, I need a babysitter for Friday night.

3. When I was 9 months pregnant and wandering around Olympia trying to keep myself busy, I stumbled into a thrift store. It was one of those that you are afraid you might leave needing a Tetanus shot. The shop owner (I liked to call her the ShopKeeper) started asking me all of these baby questions. We started talking about birth, blah blah blah. Then I shit you not (you’ll realize the comedy in my words, don’t be mad I cursed Mom), she said, “Well I almost died during labor with my first baby because she had shit inside of me. Poop everywhere inside of my womb.”
WHHHAAA?!?! I don’t really need to unpack the ridiculous-ness of this one do I? I do? Ok fine. DON’T TELL ME HORROR STORIES DAYS BEFORE I AM ABOUT TO PUSH A GIANT-HEADED METZLER OUT OF MY LADY GARDEN!!!! But to her credit, that’s the grossest poop story I’ve ever heard.

4. Right before Bud was born I went to a support group for breastfeeding mothers. Sam was still across the country in training and I was by myself in Washington. I was pretty desperate for friends at this point and wanted to learn sooo I ended up in a musty church listening to women bitch and moan about their husbands (note to friends: don’t bitch about your husband to a hormonal woman who would give anything to have her husband near her). Anyways, one of the ladies told me that the key to breastfeeding was co-sleeping. I don’t have beef with co-sleeping, I have plenty of friends who do it. We choose to keep Bud in his crib and our bed is for grown-ups only… preferably just me and Sam. But I was getting a little bored at the meeting so I decided to instigate so I curiously and idiotically asked, “So, how do you keep your marriage spiced up with you know… bow chicka bow-wow?” (True story, I’ve never made those sounds in my life but felt the need to in this situation). And the lady said, “Oh, we do it while the baby is in bed with us.”
WHHAA?!?! More power to ya but that’s never gonna happen in the Metzler bed. We can’t even do it when we think Roy the dog is looking at us! We’re afraid he’s judging us. Also, Bud wakes up to anything moving outside of his nursery door, so not to be inappropriate here (who me??) but how is making whoopy next to him supposed to keep him asleep?!? No thanks.

Have yall had any “WHHAA!?!?!” moments that will make me laugh? I know you never comment (ahem) but I think you should share some good stories with me… I know you have them!