Martha Metzler.com

I need calmness in my life.

My head is swimming with thoughts about missing my husband. Is he safe? What is he doing? Does he know how much I love him? How can I be a better wife from so far away? How can I help Bud remember who is Daddy is? How can I let everyone know I’m not just visiting family in NC but trying to escape while dying a bit inside because my true love is away for the year. Are there any cute female soldiers over there I’m going to need to take down? Is he eating ok? Is he sleeping ok? What is his room like? Is it December yet?

All of the stress plus my child self-weaning MUCH earlier than I had planned has caused my milk supply to be affected. Bud has been nursing 4 times a day but lately, the middle 2 feedings, he is NOT into it. It’s like I’m wrestling a calf and he’ll only eat for a minute or two. After talking with the doctor it looks like I might have to supplement with a little formula after TEN MONTHS of exclusively breastfeeding. I didn’t see this coming. I’m trying to pump but my body just isn’t responding. I’m trying to increase my supply, but my body is failing me. I prayed, cried, and felt like a failure. I’m just being honest.  I believe every family needs to do what is right for their family and their child, and I thought that for mine, it meant breastfeeding for a year. It was important for me and for Sam. But I realized that my son needed more nutrition than what I was able to give him, so I went to Target to get my first can of formula. I started bawling in the middle of the aisle. I called my friend Betsy and told her to “talk me down” because I realized I was being irrational but despite what my brain was telling me, my heart felt like I was failing. I felt like I was failing myself and my family. I can’t explain it, it’s just what I felt. (*Note: Sam always pushes for what is healthy for both me and Bud, he would never make me feel like a failure for having to supplement with a few oz of formula, its completely self-inflicted)

And this blog. I’m not enjoying it anymore. It’s become something else I feel I’m failing. Whether its feeling insecure over a lack of comments, lack of interest, crappy writing, misinterpreted posts, personal information about me, or just comparison to other bloggers, I’m just not enjoying writing but instead, it’s becoming another thing in my life that I feel I’m failing at.

SO, I’m going to take a little hiatus from this blog. I’ll post some pictures of my adorable son. I’ll post things as they come to me but I’m not going to have it on my to-do list anymore. Until I remember why I started writing in the first place, I can’t be writing just for vanity’s sake.

I’m doing the same thing with singing at church. The only reason I was singing in the band was for selfish reasons. So, until I remember that my voice is to glorify God and God alone, I’m going to step back.

It sucks because these things used to bring me joy and currently are bringing me superficial joy, but thats no way to live. I need simplicity. I need peace. I need calmness. 

I’m going to use my time to continue running, reading books, working on my book (fiction), and pouring love on those around me. If I feel moved to write a post, I will. If I don’t feel moved to write a post, I won’t. I pray I find my voice in both song and pen and that it brings glory to the One who gave it to me, and no longer echoes within the selfish walls I’ve built.

Have yall read the article in Huffington Post about the “30 things women should have and should know by they are 30” that Glamour put together? Well, it’s awesome.

I turn 30 in November. Yep, 3-0. It hasn’t bothered me, in fact, I’m pretty damn proud of the almost 30 years I’ve lived so far. I looked over this list and while there are a few “spices” I’d like to add to my life before 30, I can put a big check next to most of those things on the list.

Here’s where you can come in. Are there any “spices” you would recommend before I turn 30 in November? Any thing you did that you’d recommend when you turned 30 or plan to do before turning 30, 40, 50?

I plan on attempting a marathon (or just a half marathon if someone tempts me with a nerds rope from the sidelines, a woman can only have so much willpower), being braver about my style, creating something each week, write 5 more songs, and taking more pictures with actually KNOWING what the hell I’m doing with my camera.

* Here is the incentive. Whoever leaves the best/most creative/hilarious item for me to do before turning 30, I’ll send you a $30 gift card to Target and a little surprise something to remember me by. So give me some ideas, who knows, I might do them!

Here is the list, how do you hold up?

By 30, you should have …

1. One old boyfriend you can imagine going back to and one who reminds you of how far you’ve come. check! But please the 5th on their names 😉 The one that was a nice boy was my boyfriend in 4th grade because I spit out a piece of fruit roll up accidentally when I was talking and got really embarrassed but he just shoved his lunch box on top of it so no one would see. But I can’t imagine being with anyone other than the one I’m with.

2. A decent piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in your family. check! my dining room chairs

3. Something perfect to wear if the employer or man of your dreams wants to see you in an hour. check! skirt, tucked in shirt, and boots of course

4. A purse, a suitcase, and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying. check!

5. A youth you’re content to move beyond. check! and check!

6. A past juicy enough that you’re looking forward to retelling it in your old age. check! but, i might need to add a few more spicy stories just to keep it really interesting

7. The realization that you are actually going to have an old age — and some money set aside to help fund it. check!

8. An email address, a voice mailbox, and a bank account — all of which nobody has access to but you. check! Except the bank account, me and my man do a joint account because thats how we roll.

9. A résumé that is not even the slightest bit padded. check!

10. One friend who always makes you laugh and one who lets you cry. check! you know who you are…

11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black lace bra. check!, check!, and does it count if i’ve never worn it 😉

12. Something ridiculously expensive that you bought for yourself, just because you deserve it. check! my camera (expensive for me)

13. The belief that you deserve it. check!

14. A skin-care regimen, an exercise routine, and a plan for dealing with those few other facets of life that don’t get better after 30. check on the exercise…. but the skin care routine, i put sunscreen on every day and MAYBE wash it before bed…. if you’re lucky

15. A solid start on a satisfying career, a satisfying relationship, and all those other facets of life that do get better. check on the relationship and adorable baby but does getting my masters in counseling count but haven’t used it in awhile… eh oh well
By 30, you should know …

1. How to fall in love without losing yourself. check! but thanks to my hubby who always reminds me to stay true to myself

2. How you feel about having kids. check? i have one so far….GIMME MORE!!!

3. How to quit a job, break up with a man, and confront a friend without ruining the friendship. check! done all!

4. When to try harder and when to walk away. check! but SO much harder for me to walk away

5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next. check!

6. The names of the secretary of state, your great-grandmothers, and the best tailor in town. crap…i need a refresher on my family tree but check! on the other 2 

7. How to live alone, even if you don’t like to. check… who would have thought it would happen AFTER i got married

8. Where to go — be it your best friend’s kitchen table or a yoga mat — when your soul needs soothing. check! on a run.

9. That you can’t change the length of your legs, the width of your hips, or the nature of your parents. check! but I have to give myself a pep talk in front of the mirror everyday

10. That your childhood may not have been perfect, but it’s over. check! but i had a pretty great childhood i’d say

11. What you would and wouldn’t do for money or love. check! i will NOT lick your feet for money… or love

12. That nobody gets away with smoking, drinking, doing drugs, or not flossing for very long. check! but come on, flossing? 

13. Who you can trust, who you can’t, and why you shouldn’t take it personally. check! check! check!

14. Not to apologize for something that isn’t your fault. i’m TERRIBLE at this

15. Why they say life begins at 30 check! BRING IT!

Oh hey girl, how you doin?

I think I'll have some fun with Mama today

Hey Mama, wanna see me finally crawl?

Here I go.......

Look Mama! Your dreams coming true right here.

OOOOOOHHH SIKE!!!!!!!!

HAHA GOT HER!

WHY AREN'T YOU LAUGHING MAMA?! I GOT YOU SO GOOD!

You are my delight you little trickster.

My sweet boy, you are 9 months old! (Ok, you were 9 months old a couple weeks ago but those are minor details) 

You are so much fun. I mean, we have the BEST time together all day. You crack me up the way you play with your toys. You are such a smart boy. You love to put your toys inside of your dump truck and the dump them all out. You are so vocal, it’s hysterical watching you try and talk. You have so much to say! I’m sure you’ll help us solve all the world’s problems as soon as you can form sentences. Or just ask me to fix your lunch… both equally important.

You had a great 9 month check up and we liked it because you didn’t have to get any shots! You are 18.5 pounds and 28.5 inches long. The doc said you were as healthy as can be. He thought you’d probably skip crawling as well and just start walking because you loved to stand so much. You want to crawl so badly, you get up on all fours but then just go into a big bellyflop. It’s kinda adorable. You are much more mobile though because you’ve learned to just roll everywhere.

ooh i'm so close...

and flop

You still rock the gorgeous blue eyes and strawberry blonde hair. You have 6 teeth now with 2 about to pop through, you little snaggle tooth you.

You still squeal and sing when you’re happy. You LOVE to eat, I mean for real boy, you have your daddy’s appetite. You still nurse about 4 times a day but you are definitely weaning yourself. You eat 3 meals plus 2 snacks. I’m telling you I might be entering you into an eating contest soon! You love your doggy and saying “dadadadada”…. now, I’ll buy you a pony if you start saying “mama”. You love to take a bath and just splash the water until I’m just about as drenched as you are. When we ask you for a kiss, you just plop your big, sloppy mouth wide open on our cheek. I die a slow death of cuteness everytime you do it. You shake your head back and forth (thanks Aunt Poodle for teaching him that one) and now you actually do it when you mean “no!” When you don’t want anymore green peas you just start shaking that head back and forth… that’s going to be awesome when its accompanying a screaming “NO!!” in your toddler years…

One of my favorite things you do is sit with your ankles crossed. I don’t want to forget these little things you do because they completely melt my heart.

You are the most content baby and everyone comments on how wonderful you are when we are in a restaurant. I always give you a little wink and know it’ll only be a matter of months before you’re trying to squirm out of your high chair to run around.

I love you to the moon and back little man, you are such a joy and you make my days a million times brighter during this time of missing your Dada.